Walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death

May is Skin Cancer Awareness Month

2010-05-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

May is Skin Cancer Awareness Month! As some know, my dad died of melanoma at the ripe, old age of 51. It was devastating that such a small growth on his arm spread and eventually killed him. But in honor of him and the many others who have suffered or died from skin cancer and their families, I am raising awareness and wanting to tell you about a fellow blogger who is doing something amazing about it.

Her name is Rhonda and she owns the company, UV Skinz. She started the company after loosing her 32-year-old husband to skin cancer. Now she sells clothes that protect all ages from the damaging effects of UV Rays. This month, she will give away a free baby T-Shirt with every purchase!

So check out her site, make a purchase and get a free baby T-Shirt for your child or a T-Shirt to give to a friend or relative! Save a baby's skin this month while protecting your own!

Need a Gift for Someone Bereaved?

2009-12-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

I've recently been in touch with the President of a remarkable company that offers gifts for those grieving. If you are looking for something to give to someone bereaved for Christmas, then check their website out:

http://www.thecomfortcompany.net

Merry Christmas to all of my readers! And thank you again for checking out my blog!

Grieving during the Holidays

2009-11-23T12:26:00.001-08:00

How do you grieve during the holidays? See what the experts have to say about it in my most recent article.

Do you have ideas or suggestions about how to grieve well during the holidays? Comment below!

Running or walking your way to fundraising

2009-10-27T12:29:00.000-07:00

Raising money in memory of someone you love? I've been talking about this a lot lately since I'm so excited about doing that myself. I've never done it before, though I've wanted to do it from time to time.

If you need inspiration for your own fundraising efforts, check out my article on Examiner here. I have some links to popular fundraising causes, which, simply looking at their webpages is enough to get anyone excited.

I encourage anyone to get involved with a cause that they can run (or walk) behind. This is especially wonderful in memory of someone you love.

Miles for Melanoma Page

2009-10-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

I've now officially set up my Miles for Melanoma page for donations. Simply click here if you'd like to donate or check out the Melanoma Research Foundation.

While the donations are for my upcoming Seattle Marathon road race November 29th, you can still access the donation page after the race.

Donating to help research for any cancer helps other cancers, so please consider donating even if melanoma isn't your normal cancer you consider.

And thanks as always for being such an awesome audience! Please comment about your charity in memory of someone you love, too!

Miles for Melanoma

2009-10-15T14:23:00.000-07:00

As some of my readers already know, my dad died of melanoma so I have a "soft spot" for battling that particular cancer. My mom and I are training for the race. It is very exciting since this is her first race!

So to do so, I have signed up to raise money for the Melanoma Research Foundation through their Miles for Melanoma program. I am participating in the Seattle Marathon (actually doing the half marathon race) on November 29th.

If you're interested in contributing, I will have a link to my donations page up here as soon as the MRF has it available.

Also, I am completely supportive of others trying to do their own fundraising efforts in memory of a family member or because you or a family member is battling a particular disease. If you'd like me to post something about your fundraising efforts, please comment below and I'll get in touch with you!

Financial Implications of Premature Death

2009-10-05T15:04:00.000-07:00

Many people are going along assuming the best: they will live an "average" life span, live in an "average" income bracket, have that "average" home and be able to have the "average" amount of adult "toys". And if things go really well, then the "average" will be bumped up to "upper-middle-class" or "wealthy/affluent" lifestyle. But we do not often plan for the pitfalls: Recession, economic downturns, divorce, job loss, expensive health care for adults or kids or premature death. In this post, I will focus in on not being prepared for the individual "economic downturn" of a family dealing with a premature death.

A few years ago, MetLife did a study about the effects of premature death on a family. The study focused on people loosing a spouse between the ages of 30-55 years of age. The results showed that the majority of people studied were underinsured. We all understand that concept with auto insurance--when underinsured and you hit someone else, you pay out-of-pocket--sometimes in a quite large amount. The same holds true for being underinsured with life insurance, except that it costs a family left behind big time! They found that most people underinsured had less than three times the life insurance for annual expenses for the household (2006, p. 3).

"The ... studies indicate that there is a significant gap between perceived adequacy of life insurance coverage levels among American consumers and the true need among beneficiaries when tragedy strikes" (2006, p. 3).

39% of families had no life insurance when their spouse died. 40% of these families had children under 18 at the time of death in addition to all being married (p. 5).

66% of families with life insurance had less than 3 times the annual replacement income (p. 6).

Considering that most financial professionals suggest a replacement rate at 10 times the annual expenses, this number seems all the more shocking. Only 19% of families with life insurance had even 5 times the annual replacement rate.

The average was 2.1 (p. 7). Considering an average family an annual income of $40,000 per year for the person who was deceased, this means that the family had $84,000 in life insurance. When tragedy would strike, as it did for those studied who were between age 30-55, the families were left without much.

Would $84,000 replace the rest of the deceased person's lifetime earnings? Hardly. After funeral expenses (about $6,000-10,000 for an average funeral), would the $74,000 left go towards much? Would they have last medical expenses to pay? These could easily take up the rest of the policy. This would not leave any for a spouse to get additional training or time for experience to match the salary of the deceased, if that was an issue, or to earn more than the deceased, if they had relied on two incomes. This is not to mentioning paying for expenses related to the children such as the children's education. And it does not take into account the day-to-day services that the deceased spouse helped with such as car maintenance, mowing the lawn, childcare or other related chores.

It is important for families to be prepared when tragedy strikes. If not insured or underinsured, it is important to seek out the right amount of insurance. And considering that more than half of the families who have a spouse die are either uninsured or underinsured, we need to consider how we may help these families as well. If you were uninsured or underinsured when a spouse died, it is important to seek out people who will give you sound financial advice while attempting to rebuild your life. It can be done, but it is difficult to do.

References

MetLife (2006). "Financial Impact of Premature Death". Retrieved September 17, 2009. www.metlife.com.

Podcast on Loosing Someone Dear

2009-10-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

The Podcast I did with the ladies from Inspirations Generations is now up and available. You can download it and listen to it by following the link here. This mother-daughter show host team recently lost their third show host who was mother and grandmother to them, respectively.

We had some great conversations about grief, how it can be unexpected but, ultimately, it can be something God uses for a person to grow. It was delightful getting to know these two lovely ladies a little while on the interview!

How to Help Grievers

2009-09-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

One of the questions that has come up a lot in interviews I have done is what should people do to support people who are grieving? I am still learning not only from my own experience, but from others that I have talked with while doing interviews and informal conversations. Here are a few nuggets that I have acquired. If you have anything to add that helped you while bereaved or you wished people had done, then please feel free to comment below.

1) Be specific. Offer to help in a specific, tangible way. Do not say, "If there's anything I can do, then call me." That ultimately puts the ball in the bereaved person's court, and as someone going through a tumultuous time, the grieving person may not be in a place to pick up a phone to ask something of the "If there's anything ..." person. And saying, "If there's anything ..." is ultimately getting you off of the hook for helping. Instead, offer what you'd like to offer and let the grieving person let you know if that's something they'd like. Ask something more like, "I'd like to bring you a casserole on Thursday, would that be good, or would you like a dinner on another night?" This way the griever can respond to the specific offer for help. A lot of grieving people do appreciate meals right away, but you can be creative in what you'd like to offer as help.

2) Don't push. Do not demand to impose your idea on the griever. For instance, do not say, "I'm coming Wednesday to paint the exterior of your home since you need to sell it obviously since your husband died and you have no income. I have a crew set, and we'll be there at 6am and I expect you to help, too." This kind of atrocity does happen to grieving people where well-meaning friends demand to help in the specific way they want to. Instead, refer to point #1 as to how to rephrase your request to help. Offering to paint may still be helpful, but it may be something the griever wants after a little while.

3) Always be a friend. Listen, care, ask for specific requests to pray for the griever, hear their story, give them time (standard grieving lasts 18 months to 2 years, but can last longer in some cases and the bereaved person will still always miss their loved one who died). Be there when no one else is. Do not tell them what to do or what they ought to be doing. Be patient, kind and observant of your friend's needs.

These are a few ideas to help you get started in helping your grieving friend through this difficult time. As always, there are many, many other ways that you can help. Be sensitive, see where there is an opportunity and fill that role for your grieving friends.

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Latest News/Interviews:

How do you deal with the death of a parent or grandparent? What should you give yourself permission to do when grieving? How can people support those who are grieving? Find out this and more on my latest Podcast with the mother/daughter team from Inspirations Generations.

Does being bereaved increase increase your risk for illness? Find out what researchers at the University of Sydney have recently discovered in this article.

Inspirational Podcasts & Articles

2009-09-18T10:03:00.001-07:00

I will be doing a really fun podcast on Monday with the gals from Inspirations Generations talking about grief as one of their show hosts recently passed away. I am really honored to be on the podcast since greats like Ruth Graham and Dr. Gary Chapman have been past guests on the show. I have all of the details for downloading the podcast from either their website or iTunes on the Press Release below.

PR for Sept 21st Podcast

I recently was able to share about my mom's story a little bit with a writer of inspirational stories about women. If you want to be inspired about women over age 40 overcoming incredible odds, then read the full article here.

It is incredible for me to think that our family's story and what we've learned through all of this can be used and shared with people through radio, podcasts, articles, my book as well as through casual conversation with people. I am continually humbled through all of this. Thank you all reading for being a part of this with me.

New Video Trailer

2009-09-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

My publisher just finished a new video trailer for my book! It's very cool to have this trailer to present some of the message of my book.

Check it out on YouTube and let me know what you think by commenting below. Feel free to share with friends, family and co-workers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8lS53ojsRk

9-11 Remembering

2009-09-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all who tuned in to the radio show last night! As always, your support is very appreciated. The show hosts were great, had wonderful questions for me and got some great information out there. One of the hosts is battling leukemia, so we had lots to talk about with cancer and preparing loved ones. If you missed the show, check out the archived version at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/madasahatter.

As you may have seen earlier in the week, I posted already about 9-11 and how it had been 8-years since the tragic terrorist attack that killed a little less than 3,000 people. Let's not forget to remember these people as our nation jointly grieves this tragedy. And lift up a prayer for the families left behind as they remember the anniversary of their loved one's death today.

I have posted in the sidebar about the National Day of Service today. If you haven't done so already, participate by donating $9.11 (or more) to the organization, volunteering time and/or placing the widget on your website or blog to get the word out.

If you're interested in getting more of a flavor for what people have gone through who've lost loved one's in the attacks, I have included a brief book list in my latest Examiner article. Check it out for Fall reading.

Do you have memories from 9-11? Where were you when the attacks happened? What did you do that day? How did you react? I'd love to hear your story, even if it seems mundane. Share your story by commenting below.

Radio Show Today

2009-09-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

I'll be on an hour-long radio show tonight at 6pm PST. Check it out (details below). Thanks to all who listen to my radio shows. I hope to get the word out about grief and what people are potentially up against and how they can overcome.

PR for Sept 10th Radio Show

911 National Day of Service

2009-09-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

Who can forget the pictures everyone saw the day of 9/11/01? Our eyes and hearts stood fixed onto the news reporting the planes crashing into the World Trade Center towers, the buildings collapsing and the chaos on the ground, not to mention the Pentagon and the United Airlines Flight 93 going down in Pennsylvania after those brave people on board attempted to regain control. 2,993 people died that day.

As 911 approaches, I wanted to share with everyone a great way to both remember those attacks and to do something positive in remembrance. You can join the movement by volunteering, donating and/or adding a widget to your website or blog.

Let's not forget those who died in those terrorist attacks. Check out http://911dayofservice.org.

Radio Show

2009-09-01T15:53:00.001-07:00

I'm excited to announce another radio show I'll be on this Friday, September 4, 2009, at 9am PST talking about the book. As always, feel free to "tune in" and share with friends. Information on tuning in can be found here:

PR for Sept 4th Radio Show

News

2009-08-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is so easy to read from blog to blog that I can miss the sidebar information. On my sidebar, I've had links to a few downloads, including a few sample chapters for my book. I wanted to share Chapter One with everyone, because it communicates well what I am after with my hope to help those grieving and those looking for opportunities to help those grieving:

Chapter 1 of Walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death

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I got an opportunity to share a little about my dad's death on the UVSkinz blog this week. UVSkinz sells clothes with UV protection for playing outside.

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Don't forget to tune in for my radio show on September 10th at 6pm PST. I will also have another show coming up soon, a new YouTube video (being produced by my publisher right now) coming out soon and a possible (cross your fingers) local TV interview.

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I've gotten a lot of positive verbal feedback from people, but I wanted to share a recent written feedback I received from a reader the other day.
"I just want to tell you that we received your book and I am almost finished reading it. It is wonderful! I think that it is a book that everyone should read, it has such a place in society. It totally opened up my eyes"--DJ, Mesa, AZ

I'm very excited to be hearing such a positive message from readers. I'd love to hear from you about what you think of the book. If you've read some or all of it, please feel free to comment below.

Death of a Child

2009-08-24T11:22:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been reading a lot about other people's losses, and it is interesting how there are so many similarities with loss but still differences that are worth noting. Everyone's experience with grief is unique. Although I have not had this loss personally, I still feel for those who have experienced it. This category of losses that I want to talk about today has lots of facets to it--it is the death of a child.

There are many facets to the death of a child, because there are many ways that a death can occur: Miscarriage, SIDS, death during childhood and death after the child is an adult.

Miscarriage (or spontaneous abortion) is what occurs commonly because a child has either some trauma while in the womb or has an abnormal karyotype (an abnormal pairing of chromosomes). A family loosing a child through miscarriage still feels like this was a real person, valuable to them and to God, and was still part of their family. They miss the potential relationship there. Many people think that the family should be fine if they can bear more children after a miscarriage, but this is still not so. They miss and wonder what that unique child would have been like.

SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Families with still birth have many of the same issues as miscarriage, except that they had carried their baby to term without thinking anything was wrong. SIDS can even strike within the first year of life. My grandmother lost her first child shortly after birth, and nearly lost her own life, too! She still wonders what that little girl would have been like. This little girl would have been my mom's older sister, and even my mom has always wondered what it would have been like to have a sister.

Death during childhood. Death during childhood can be especially traumatic. Your child may seem healthy, but has an accident or a disease no one expected. Through the parent's prayers and hopes, the child still slips away. They weren't meant to die so young. What could you, the parent, have done to prevent it? Why did this happen? These are the thoughts of parents who have lost a child. I almost died as a child from a rare blood disease called ITP, and I saw my parents go through all of this as test after test and drug after drug was used to try to cure me. Fortunately, I was cured, but for many parents that have a child have an unexpected disease, this is not the case.

Death during adulthood. Depending on when in adulthood the death occurs, it is still unexpected. Many parents never expect to bury a child, and during adulthood is no different. When my dad was dying at age 51, his mother, age 79 at the time, was at his side staring. Although she had dementia, she still knew it was her child dying. She sat, fixed to the bed, watching her son die. And although she cannot remember many things, she knows that her son died.

Death of a child, like all other losses, should be understood and we should support those who have lost a child, regardless of the age of their child. We should not say, "But at least you have 'x' more children." No, the uniqueness that child brought to their lives (or the potential) has been lost. Let them tell you about what was special about that child instead. Let them tell you the hopes and dreams they had for the child. Let them share their feelings with you.

References

"Sudden Infant Death Syndrome." Kids Health. Retrived August 24, 2009, http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/sleep/sids.html#

Book Discussion Questions: Chapter 1

2009-08-10T13:51:00.001-07:00

I wanted to give a series of questions that could be used in discussion for my new book, Walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, that could be used in a small-group discussion such as a book club, grief group or simply a group of friends reading the book through.

I'll do this chapter-by-chapter, and intermingle these questions with other blog posts as well. However, the chapter-by-chapter format will remain chronological.

As I post and if you are reading the book, please let me know if the questions seem relevant or helpful. Post any ideas for additional questions for re-wording of the questions for more clarity. I'll remind my readers of doing this as I post other chapter questions.

Some of the shorter chapters, I may combine but the first chapter is long enough for its own set of questions.

Let's get started with Chapter 1:

1) What memories do you have personally when you lost a loved one? What stands out as significant? Tell your story, if applicable.

2) How long is "normal grief"?

3) Approximately how many people will loose a loved one this year?

4) Do people normally reach out to "survivors" of a death or feel uncomfortable? Why is that? Have you ever felt uncomfortable talking to someone who lost a loved one? Have people seemed uncomfortable talking to you after you lost a loved one?

5) Do you fear death or are you at peace with it? Do you still fear what disease you may die of or the timing of your own death? What about other loved ones? Why do you think that is?

6) Why do you think our society makes death almost taboo? How does this affect survivors? Should this be changed? If so, how could this be changed? Do other societies or past cultures have the same view of death?

7) How do you care for people who have lost a loved one? What may have been helpful for you?

8) Do people still miss their loved ones after the "grief period" is over? What is it like for people after they are done with initial grief?

9) Can people believe their loved one is in Heaven but still be sad?

10) Does comparing losses provide hurt or healing? Why is this? Are all losses significant?

11) Should we understand the bereaved (or understand ourselves better if bereaved)? How can this be accomplished?

12) What are holistic effects from a death of a loved one? Why are they important to understand?

I hope these questions provide some good discussions.

Pick up a copy of the book by clicking on the "Purchase a Signed Copy" button on the sidebar.

New Articles

2009-08-05T15:44:00.000-07:00

I have recently become the Seattle Death & Grief Examiner on Examiner.com, which is a very awesome print media, much like an online newspaper. I have written the following articles for them so far that I'd like to share with all of you for this week's post:

The uniqueness of grief
Do we need to experience grief to move through it?
Does everyone's grief follow the Kubler-Ross model?
Do people grieve for other losses?

You can check them out by clicking here.

And thanks to everyone who listened to last week's "Healing the Grieving Heart" radio show hosted by Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley that I had the privilege of being a guest on. From what I have heard from people who tuned in, they really enjoyed the show. If you missed it, you can listen to the archived show by clicking here.

I have another radio show scheduled for September 10, 2009, 9pm EST. Click here for more information.

Book Discussion Questions: Chapter 1

2009-08-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

Book Review: The Grief Recovery Handbook

2009-07-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman

This book deals with varying losses such as death losses, relationship losses (e.g. divorce, abandonment, job loss, pet loss, etc.) It is written in a conversational tone, but quite uplifting and compassionate. The book first deals with the many myths that we are fed about grief such as it having to conform to a set pattern, that be should hide our tears, not bother others with our grief, that substances can help (e.g. alcohol, drugs, food, pychatric drugs), that grief is about a broken mind, that we should compare losses (even those of a similar category such as widow to widow) and other detrimental statements we have been fed about sad experiences since childhood.

Instead, the authors point out that grief is normal and natural regardless of a good relationship or bad relationship with the person no longer in our life. Crying alone is not right. Comparing losses is not healthy. Trying to medicate our losses is not good compared to dealing with them. They state that grief is about "a broken heart, not a broken brain" (2009, p. 5).

They offer some projects for people to do in a team of two (or alone if no one else is available). These projects include discussing past myths that we ourselves have acted upon, other losses we have had in our lives, how we feel about the person who had died (or if dealing with another loss, how we felt about that loss)--both positive and negative, forgiving the person no longer in our life, finding more emotional completeness from the loss, having accurate memories of the deceased, forgiving the person for past hurts that were unresolved, and writing a letter to the deceased about all of it.

All in all, it was a positive book that had some great action steps for grievers to take. I really thought that the idea of working with a partner through some of their action steps was wonderful--it helps so much expressing emotions to another person (or group). I would recommend this read, especially to someone newly grieving or someone feeling "stuck" in their grief.

Military Deaths

2009-07-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

Recently I had seen that 4,000 people have died abroad since all of the business with Iraq had started (Farmery, 2009, p.1). Quite honestly, and to my chagrin, I had not given it the thought that it deserved. I knew it was significant, that the men and women over there had sacrificed a lot and that they should not go without being remembered. But it never really registered.

A close friend of mine from junior high had joined the Army and a few years ago had talked to me about all of her friends dying in Iraq. I was sympathetic, as anyone would be, but it did not really "hit home". Friends have come and gone from the military speaking about similar experiences. But all of my friends are still alive.

And then it started to hit reading what others have written about being made widowed or fatherless because of military death and how that impacted their lives. There are so many of these families that said time and time again "I didn't know it would be so terrible" or "He had served for so many years and was fine". The people who have lost have had their lives altered completely.

So my point is simple--let's not forget those who have lost their mother, father, brother, sister, spouse or close friend in active duty to their country. Remember to support them and consider that they need our support, at the very least as a listening ear, but be willing to give more if those grieving need more from us.

Support our Troops ... and their families.

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Be sure to check out my guest appearance on the "Healing the Grieving Heart" radio show next week on Thursday, July 30th at 9am PST with hosts Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley (details below on "Upcoming Events" post).

For more resources, be sure to check out my articles written for Examiner.com and EzineArticles (see sidebar under "Articles").

And I wanted to say a special thanks to everyone who follows my blog or has read my book and has posted comments or emailed me. I have been so excited about the great conversations we've had. Thanks again!

References

Farmery, Anna. "4,000 Reasons Why we Need Peace in this World" March 28, 2009, http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/topic/military-deaths/, Retrieved July 24, 2009.

Bereavement Camps

2009-07-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

Do you know a child who has lost a loved one? I remember meeting a few kids who had when I was in school: Some had lost parents, some siblings and others had close friends who died. Some of these were prolonged illnesses, others accidents and even still, others were suicide. But one thing was in common: These kids needed a voice to their new found grief issues.

Something that may be quite useful to kids grieving are Bereavement Camps. At these camps, usually run by hospices, children can learn about grief and meet other kids who are going through a similar circumstance. Children grieving many feel really alone and misunderstood. Children often feel these feelings since not too many people in their age group can relate. But camps like this provide a place where kids can feel like others their age understand them. I have included a brief list of such camps in this posting but encourage anyone with kids grieving a loss to check out a camp nearby their locale.

So if you know a young person grieving or a parent of a child grieving, then perhaps one of these camps may be for them. Or if you are looking at serving children who are grieving, then perhaps you might consider volunteering at one of these camps. Many stated that they were always looking for new volunteers as well.

* Lake Tahoe Grief Camp, Free to kids ages 7-14, Aug 28-30 www.bartonhealth.org/events
* Camp Agape Burnet, TX, Free to kids ages 7-12, June 26-29 www.campagapetexas.org
* Camp Erin Seattle, WA (206) 298-1217
* Stepping Stones Phoenix, AZ (602) 264-7520
* Camp Rainbow Fredricksburg, VA (540) 361-7071
* Camp Whittle Monroe, NC, kids ages 6-16, (704) 292-2100
* Camp Comfort Georgetown, CO (303) 674-6400
* Comfort Zone Camp California, Massachusetts, Virginia & New Jersey, free to kids ages 7-22, various times http://www.comfortzonecamp.org/
* Willamette Valley Hospice, July 25, kids over age 5 and parents, $25-35 per person, (503) 588-3600

2009-07-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

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Experiences with Death, Grief, Bereavement and Loss

2009-07-09T15:06:00.000-07:00

Looking around online, it is clear that a lot of people have lost a loved one and that experience has shaped their lives now. Many write about loosing a child, lots write about loosing a spouse while others write about the myriad of other losses, such as loosing a parent, close friend, sibling or others important in their lives.

Some have lost their loved one tragically, such as in a violent crime or accident, while others saw their loved one slowly die through age or disease.

Many people say that telling your story of your loss is important in finding healing. Some say that writing and blogging are quite helpful and that finding others of a "kindred spirit" can help a griever feel understood. Whatever your story is, however long ago, it is important regardless of how people may have treated you for telling it to them.

What losses have you had? How have these losses shaped your life, for good or for bad? How have you overcome through that time and beyond? Any other important details? I'd love to hear your story! Feel free to post your comments or send your story straight to me at krcarolan at gmail (dot) com.

Upcoming Events

2009-07-02T09:31:00.001-07:00

I am very excited to announce being a guest on Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley's radio show July 30th at 9am PST. Please look to the side of this post for all of the information for the show! If you can't catch the live version, then the show will be archived! Additionally, please click on the Press Release under "Book Information" in the sidebar links.

A few more shows are going to be scheduled in the near future as well! Please contact me by posting a comment if you would like any information about what I normally speak about to see if I would be a good fit for your radio show or organization.

Please feel free to send a link to my blog to anyone you know who may be interested.

Father's Day

2009-06-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

Father's Day has always been one of those tough holidays for me after my father died. No more present to buy, no more special celebration and church sermons about how great fathers are. The first year it was odd to only buy a Father's Day present for my father-in-law only. Really? I didn't need to get my dad anything? No, even worse, he wouldn't even know it if I had.

This Father's Day we were on San Juan Island with my mother-in-law and father-in-law. They like to visit every year and have us take them somewhere cool for a fun vacation. We had plans to ferry to and from the island, whale watch, kayak, visit Lime Kiln State Park, the British and American Camps and otherwise have a relaxing time. It just so happened that the week they came to visit this year would be Father's Day. As always, we got my father-in-law a gift--no gift for my dad.

Once on the island, we picked a special restaurant on the island for our celebration. My father-in-law opened his present (a copy of Frankenstein by Mary Shelly--he loves horror stories), he smiled, said thank-you and we enjoyed the rest of our evening. Business as usual as holidays go. But there was a certain look in his eye, a sort of "dad-ish" look when opening his present that said he appreciated his present and his time with us.

I remember from our grief group we went through that they talked about eventually using the energy invested in the loved one who died to invest into others or into new friendships and relationships. My father-in-law is the last dad figure I have, and I was glad that day to have a dad experience as we celebrated and to invest the time with him.

It is not the same as having both dads alive, but it is what I have got and I am grateful for that.

A Holistic Look at Bereavement

2009-06-12T12:41:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have been asking me what I mean by "holistic" when it comes to talking about death, grief and bereavement. After all, isn't it all just about "going through" the 5 stages of grief?

I wish it were just that simple. In fact, there are a lot more potential troubles that the bereaved can face, depending on their relationship with the deceased. In my book, I profile 5 potential pieces to the puzzle of a "holistic" response to the death of a loved one, although there are many other potential problems a griever may face. This list is taken from Chapters 2-6:

1) Grief. A grieving person will go through some or all of the stages of grief. While there is some debate as to the "best" understanding of what real stages grieving people, if it is the classic Kubler-Ross steps or if it's 10 steps, or 4 or whatever, what is universally understood is that there are steps we go through, not everyone goes through them in a particular order, not everyone goes through every step and that intentionally processing grief brings about the best healing.

2) Financial factors. More than likely, the main grievers who will be affected this way are spouses and children still dependent on the deceased. It completely depends on the deceased's financial circumstances prior to death, the prolonged nature of the disease that the deceased died of and health insurance coverage (e.g. a prolonged disease, like cancer, will be more "expensive" to the family rather than a sudden death, like a car accident), the age of the spouse and children of the deceased, the life insurance or annuities purchased, the income potential for the surviving spouse, how defined benefit pension benefits are paid out if the deceased was already retired and had a defined benefit pension as opposed to a defined contribution plan like a 401(k), and many, many other factors. Generally speaking, already retired widow(er)s fare best. Widow(er)s and their children eligible for survivor benefits fare pretty well, but must have kids under 18 or be over 60 themselves to receive survivor benefits, unless disabled (for more information, visit the SSA). Widowed people in "no man's land" (kids older than 18, but the widowed is under 60) may have a difficult time, of course, depending on all of the other factors previously mentioned.

3) Emotional issues. These can range from anger and depression to anxiety attacks and extreme energy. Emotions can run the gambit such as stoicism, listlessness, anger, sadness, relief, joy, dispair, depression, trauma, numbness, etc. Emotions need to understood and talked about to avoid more problems while grieving.

4) Social/Physical issues. Spouses are now single. Children are now motherless or fatherless. Families may be without a child or children at all. Siblings may be without a brother or sister. Many widowed people cannot have the same "couple friendships" without feeling awkward. My mom only has one real friend still from that era--a lady who got divorced about the same time who had to adjust her social position as well. Many children have to adjust thinking. I remember saying for the first time, "I'm going to my mom's house", rather than, "I'm going to my parent's house", and how weird that was. And physically, a spouse and children may have more responsibilities than before with the household. An elderly woman may have to hire someone to help her with tasks that a relative usually had helped with. The list can go on.

5) Insensitivity from others. I expected that everyone would "be there" for us--not so! After 2-weeks, everyone was back to their happy, little, picture-perfect lives while we were stuck trying to figure ours out. People said dumb things or, more wounding, were indifferent to us. Everyone assumes someone else will care. Even when my mom was brave enough to ask people for help, people would usually act completely burdened. She stopped asking.

It is important to consider what bereaved people are up against--factors that may affect them the rest of their lives. If you are around someone who is bereaved, consider these things and how you can be kind and compassionate. If you are bereaved, take heart that you are not alone. Sometimes the best people to ask for help or for friendship are others who are bereaved because they will understand best.

This is what I mean by "holistic": Looking at the whole picture that a bereaved person may face. Some of these factors may even influence the rest of their lives and are worthwhile to consider and provide a great avenue for ministering to bereaved people around us.

Summer Skin Safety

2009-06-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

54,000 people per year! Yes, that's right! 54,000!!!

What does that number mean? Who are these people?

These are the number of people who get skin cancer per year, according to the Center for Disease Control. Of these, about 8,000 DIE per year (Preventing Skin Cancer, www.cdc.org)!

How does this relate to my blog? My dad, who was the whole reason I wrote my book, died of skin cancer, specifically melanoma. The whole story is in the Preface of my book. But today, I'd like to tell you how you can still play outdoors but be safe while giving you information on the disease that killed my dad.

Of the three types of skin cancer--basal, squamous and melanoma--melanoma is the most deadly. Caught early, there is a good chance that the person with the melanoma will survive--but then again, they caught my dad's melanoma early and ... it didn't quite work out so nicely.

Of the many medical professionals I've talked with (mainly, dermatologists and oncologists), prevention is key. Remember these guidelines:

Stay out of the sun between 10am-4pm, if at all possible
Apply sunscreen everyday
Reapply sunscreen that blocks UVA/UVB rays and is an SPF of 30 or higher every 2-hours while outdoors, and remember, according to the Skin Cancer Foundation, "Cloudy days aren’t safe either, because 70-80 percent of solar ultraviolet (UV) rays can pass through clouds" (What causes Actinic Keratosis, www.skincancer.org)
Wear protective clothing
Seek out shade
Visit the dermatologist once a year for a skin cancer screening
Get your Vitamin D via a supplement
Do not use tanning booths. According to the American Association of Dermatology, "Indoor tanning before the age of 35 has been associated with a significant increase in the risk of melanoma, the deadliest form of skin cancer. Yet, more than one million Americans — 70 percent of which are girls and women, primarily 16 to 29 years old -- visit a tanning salon on an average day" (Indoor Tanning is Out, www.aad.org).

Those of us who are young need to be concered as well as older people. "According to the data from the Surveillance, Epidemiology and End Results (SEER) cancer registry of the National Cancer Institute, during 1995--1999, average annual age-adjusted incidence rates for melanoma per 100,000 population were 23.5 for men and 15.7 for women for non-Hispanic white" (Preventing Skin Cancer, www.cdc.org). This means younger and younger people are getting this cancer!

People who have burned a lot in their life, especially blistering, have had lots of UV exposure, live in a bad geographic region (FL, AZ, Australia, etc.), have fair skin with blue/green eyes, history of skin cancer/precancer, atypical moles, have a family history and/or have 50+ moles have an increased risk of developing some type of skin cancer (What's Your Risk, www.aad.org).

Why am I saying all of this? I hope that you can be safe this summer and consider sun safety. Unlike my dad who did too much yard work at Noon in the desert with no sun protection, be careful and play in the sun safely before 10am or after 4pm with good sun protection. This is my own Public Service Announcement that I hope will reach many people so that they do not have to go through what my dad did or what we've had to as a result of his untimely death.

What's Going on with the Book

2009-05-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

Along with my publisher, we've been working on getting the word out there for my book.

Cool new stuff this week you should know ...

Now on Amazon, you can search a few pages online like the front and back cover, the Table of Contents, and a few pages from the first chapter. If you'd like to look before you buy, this is a great option! Go to the sidebar link I have here on the blog to check it out!!!

We've just started working on Squidoo, and I have my first "lens" up about my book, links to places it's for sale and a little extra information in there. And it should be going out via Twitter and Facebook to everyone! And we've started another blog on WordPress as well. Of course, I am on Facebook but I am also on MySpace and Twitter. I'm also profiled on a fellow-author's blog.

While my book is online (see sidebar links), we are working on getting it out in stores. If you have a bookstore that you would like to see it carried in, make sure to ask the sales staff first if they have it, and second if they would consider carrying it. A lot of people have asked me if the book will be in local bookstores and while the publisher has sales reps contacting stores and I can find stores to contact as well, booksellers like to know that the general public will actually purchase the book once they carry it, so let your favorite bookstore know that you are interested.

Also my book will be carried in the King County Library System, Prescott Library and we're working with other libraries as well that we're in the middle of communicating with. If you want to see my book at your library, send a purchase request through your local library's website or simply email or call your librarian.

If you've been enjoying the content here, please subscribe to my blog (see sidebar for "subscribe to").

And lastly, I am available for booksignings, readings and public speaking opportunities. If you know of an organization, store or library that may be interested, please feel free to leave a comment here (or email me or tweet me, etc., etc., etc.) about your ideas! I would welcome suggestions.

Thanks for everyone's support--I have been getting really positive feedback from people who have read the book so far and I have had such supportive people around that it makes everything ten times easier than it would be otherwise. Thanks!!!

A Fellow Author

2009-05-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

I wanted to introduce you to a fellow author that is working with teens. While that is different from my focus, I thought that it ties in that teens need to learn about significant losses and parents of teens need to be mindful of what they need while dealing with significant losses.

I’d like to introduce you to Justin Sachs who is the author of a new book, Your Mailbox Is Full and is the founder of the Creating Possibilities Coaching Program in which Justin helps teenagers to increase their grades, eliminate procrastination, and create balance in all the areas of their life. He has answered a few interview-style questions and his site is below if you are interested in more information.

What do you do?

I work with teenagers to increase their grades, eliminate procrastination, create balance in their lives, and overcome any obstacles standing in their way of success.

Tell us about your new book.

Your Mailbox Is Full is a book for teenagers, that teaches them the tools they need to become successful in school and throughout their lives. They learn things like goal setting, time management, living a healthy lifestyle, and modeling and attracting success.

Why did you write it?

When I was 14 years old I went to my first Tony Robbins Seminar and I was in a room full of thousands of adults thinking, “Where’s all the teenagers?” “Why aren’t other youth here getting these powerful tools and strategies?” It was with that realization that I found my passion: Empowering teenagers with life-skills and leadership development tools for success. That’s what my book is all about: Teaching youth the most powerful skills they need to know to create enormous success and fulfillment in life! Now, teenagers don’t have to wait until they are 30 or 40 to get these tools and strategies, they are available to them within Your Mailbox Is Full.

What makes you an expert in your field?

After going to Anthony Robbins seminars for 3 years, I began working for his product sales team and non-profit organization at all his events worldwide. I then began working for Mark Victor Hansen, the co-founder of Chicken Soup for the Soul Series, and learned even more about life-skills, writing a book, and supporting people in bringing possibility into their lives. I then read everything I could get my hands on from The Secret, to Jack Canfield, to Stephen Covey, to Eckart Tolle, among many others. I learned everything I possibly could about personal development and transformation such that I can now create transformation in others!

What type of people should read your book?

The book is designed for teenagers and young adults, but parents throughout the country are reading the book and loving every page! The contents of the book are limitless, this is the perfect book for anyone looking to take their lives to the next level, especially youth!

Are you on any social networks? Eg. Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn

Yes, on www.Twitter.com/JustinSachs or http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=511068642

Advice for Teens or Parents of Teens

Follow your passions and never give up on your dreams! If you have a goal, a vision, or a hope for the future, hold on to it, focus on it, and take action to make it happen! You’ll be amazed at how quickly your dreams will manifest themselves when energy is focused on them.

Favorite Quote

Every day, every week and every month, you must challenge yourself to continue to grow to new heights and to take your standards to higher and higher levels. ~ Justin Sachs

Favorite Theme Park

Walt Disney World of course!!!

How can we purchase your book? Learn more about you? Do you have a blog?

My book is available on my website: www.YourMailboxIsFullBook.com To learn more about my coaching services visit www.MotivateYourTeen.com be sure to check out my new radio show at www.MotivationalMindsRadio.com

Memories

2009-05-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

People who have lost a loved one will often find themselves grieving again even though their “initial grief” may be over. Sometimes it is triggered by something that reminds us of our loved one. Other times it is simply the time of year, a familiar smell or a song that may send us there.

This happened to me recently. While I have really done my grieving of my father’s death, I still am reminded of him and how sad I am that I cannot talk to him. Wishing that he could speak to me and say the silly things he used to say has been the most difficult thing I felt that I had to deal with. But missing him occurred recently while listening to the highlights of Phantom of the Opera on CD.

Sarah Brightman (playing Christine) sung her song, “Wishing you were Somehow Here Again”. This song occurs in the musical when Christine goes to her father’s gravesite and wishes that her father was still there to help her while the opera house is being tormented by the Phantom. That song made me feel sad again wishing that in my most troubled times since being an adult, I wished that my dad was somehow there again to help me, listen to me or simply be with me.

He was one of those dads that really wanted to hang out with us kids playing sports, talking, going on walks, going to the store together or just watching TV together (and he let us have the remote and talk during whatever we were watching). I am glad that I have those memories, but I feel cheated that I can’t make anymore happy memories--especially considering how young he was when he died.

Ultimately, this helps us remember our loved one and our memories, whatever they were, both good and bad. Remembering the vacancy that they left in our lives helps us continue to heal, oddly enough.

And it reminds me that this world, marred by sin that caused death to enter our world (Genesis 2-3) is not our home. And that is a wonderful thing!

A Shared Story

2009-05-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

A lady that had come across my blog had shared this story of her and her husband. I though that it was quite touching and I wanted to share it with all of you. This is a brief excerpt of all that she shared:

"We had first met at a Christian Teen Camp at Nanoose Bay, here on Vancouver Island, in mid July 1972. I was there, with 5 girlfriends as dishwashers, as none of our parents could afford the cost. He was standing quietly in front of the Lodge, with his bike, looking so very shy!

I found myself wandering over, just to get a closer look, as he was so very handsome. I asked if he was staying at all, to which he replied 'no'. He had just ridden down from Powell River to see this place he'd heard so much about. And as he was working at the Mill there, for his Dad, he'd have to be heading back pretty quick.

At the time, I was 16 and he was 17.

We never saw each other again, until early 2000.

I worked at the Safeway, close to downtown Victoria and there was a particular gorgeous customer, who came in, only about twice a week. But every day, I hoped to see him. Even though he had asked me out twice, and I'd declined, as I was twice divorced and therefore terrified of making yet another mistake.

On one of my weekly trips out to see my Mom, I complained to her about him, and Mom did something she'd never EVER done. Told me, loudly, to ask HIM out! Well, I thought she was getting old & losing it, so I more or less ignored her statement.

But, I never forgot.

After more time had passed, I discovered that he was one of the top Carpenters in the city, so I asked him if he could do some minor repairs in my apartment in late fall 2003.

Shortly after that, we had our first dinner out, and started sharing & basically putting pieces together ... then found out who the other one really was!

And all this time, the boy from Powell River, that handsome young man at Nanoose Bay, had been right here!

We started recounting days, months, years of our lives, and mistakes we'd made. They were unbelievably, near identical!

During my two previous bad marriages, I had thought & wondered of him so very many times, and he the same of me!

And after meeting at Nanoose Bay, he had gotten my address from my dearest Aunt who was the Supervisor at the time, and mailed a lovely lavender stone on a gold chain. When it arrived, I had given it to my Mom, as she loved that colour, and I figured that someone that good looking, would never want me, therefore I didn't reply to his letter.

Something I've never forgiven myself for.

Since I'd happily & finally been single, I'd seriously thought of driving up to the Ferry & going to Powell River, and somehow finding the Mill, to ask about him.

Which was itself just plain ridiculous, as I didn't keep that precious letter from him, and therefore didn't even know his name.

We were married April 17th, 2004!

I only discovered recently that Christ was actually born on that day, and not December 25th.

It was almost immediately afterward that he took ill, and for someone in such excellent physical condition, went slowly downhill for the next three years.

Gary never took off his wedding ring or crucifix, but on April 12th, 2007, he asked me while so ill, laying in bed, to take them off, without giving a reason. It scared me so much, as my dear Mom had done the same thing four years prior, and just 2 days before she had passed away!

And, so, my handsome, kind loving thoughtful Christian husband, the only man of my dreams, who gave me the best three years of my life, just slipped away and joined my Mom & Dad in GLORY, on April 14th, 2007.

I had never been treated as well, or loved and adored, the way he did me!

Well, it's been over 16 months now, since I lost him.

I didn't realize just how horrific a broken heart could be. I've heard others say, it was like literally having half your heart ripped out. And, they were so right!

To let others know, isn't easy, but for some reason, 3 months ago I had a sudden strong urge to begin this, and have been sharing my story with many others since.

This has been one of the most difficult journey's in my entire life!!

And no, it doesn't get any easier with time!"

Contributed by Sheila G., Used with Permission.

Continuing Education for Mental Health and Healthcare Workers

2009-04-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I was continuing my research on grief and bereavement issues, and I came across a Press Release for a Continuing Education class for mental health and health care workers about bereavement. What was interesting was their points about the value of this continuing education (CE) class.

They pointed out (as I do in my first chapter of Walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death) that as people continue to die, many more than the people who had passed on would leave "survivors" in their wake. As Baby Boomers continue to age, this will become more and more of an issue. And, as Christians, we need to be in strategic position to care for survivors of loss due to death (Carolan, 2009, p. 19-21).

And what is even more interesting is that upwards of 34% of these bereaved persons exhibit symptoms of Major Depressive Episode. They state that: "Unfortunately, death, coping with loss and bereavement remain relatively taboo topics in society. Indeed, the societal isolation of the dying and the subsequent isolation of the bereaved may only contribute to the intensity of concomitant psychological symptoms." Because people surrounding the bereaved, such as friends and family, do not want to hear about death or want people to "get over it", these people who are bereaved do not have an outlet for their feelings. Unless they seek out the help of a mental health professional or trained volunteer, these survivors may not receive any help or compassion. This can lead into further problems such as anxiety, complicated grief, major depression and suicide (HealthCareForum, 2009, p. 1).

This reminds me of James 1:27a: "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction" (KJV, itialics added for emphasis).

This seems quite interesting and an especially compelling reason to be concerned for the bereaved that walk among us.

For the complete story, visit http://www.prweb.com/releases/bereavement/onlineCEcourse/prweb2363354.htm.

References

Carolan, Kimberly. (2009). Walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, New York: AEG Publishing.

HealthForumOnline, 2009; http://www.healthforumonline.com. HealthForumOnline Adds a New Online CE Course on Bereavement to Their Library. Preweb.com.

Bereavement Camps

2009-04-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

Lake Tahoe Grief Camp, Free to kids ages 7-14, Aug 28-30 www.bartonhealth.org/events
Camp Agape Burnet, TX, Free to kids ages 7-12, June 26-29 www.campagapetexas.org
Camp Erin Seattle, WA (206) 298-1217
Stepping Stones Phoenix, AZ (602) 264-7520
Camp Rainbow Fredricksburg, VA (540) 361-7071
Camp Whittle Monroe, NC, kids ages 6-16, (704) 292-2100
Camp Comfort Georgetown, CO (303) 674-6400
Comfort Zone Camp California, Massachusetts, Virginia & New Jersey, free to kids ages 7-22, various times http://www.comfortzonecamp.org/
Willamette Valley Hospice, July 25, kids over age 5 and parents, $25-35 per person, (503) 588-3600

Ignorance is Bliss?

2009-04-15T14:47:00.000-07:00

Before my father died, I never realized that there was a whole world out there associated with death and grief. I would have assumed that anyone talking about death, dying and grief was dysfunctional in some way or another. But that was simply not the truth: In my case, ignorance was bliss. Or truly it was simply ignorant. But there is an entire science and field of study out there about death: An entire world writing, blogging, creating art, counseling and leading grief groups for all ages.

It is called thanatology, the study of human death (thanatos is Greek for death). This involves the study of the dying process and the study of grief after a loved one dies. Grief is generally regarded as the time it takes to "work through the loss" to the point of being able to "function normally" after the death. From what I have read and seen first-hand, this process can take years.

It is contrary to the popular myth that we "get over it" within a few weeks.

Depending on the timing of death, the type of death, the unexpectedness of the death and many other factors, the grief may extend several years. But, make no mistaking, we still have memories after the grief is "over" and can still enter into grief at any time afterwards--what I have referred to as being bereaved.

And it is of this study of people and of God's response to grieving people who have survived a death that has captivated me and inspired me to share my family's story with others with my new book and this blog. So thank you for joining me in this journey of discovery about death, and specifically, the aftermath after a loved one dies.

The Book is Available for Sale!

2009-04-09T11:06:00.001-07:00

My book is officially for sale at http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/WalkingThroughTheValleyOfTheShadowOfDeath.html
(the publisher's webpage for my title). If you'd like to order a copy, just click on the link and follow the instructions (they take all major credit cards and PayPal). It is also available on www.amazon.com , www.barnesandnoble.com and will be online with other major book sites in the coming weeks.

You want a signed copy, you say? If you live near me, next time you see me, just flash my book in my face, and I'll know that you want a signature :) For my out-of-town friends and family, just let me know if you'd like a copy, and I can arrange getting my hands on it first and then sending it to you with a signature (and a sweet message, too)! Just contact me to let me know if you would like me to do that.

Again, thanks for everyone who has been a support throughout this project. Even just one encouraging word is support (and, trust me, I need it--I'm very insecure) to all of the way to those who will purchase a copy (or many). I am excited to see what God may do through my book, and I hope that it can be a blessing to you and to others who may benefit from what I've written.

The New Book

2009-03-06T17:11:00.000-08:00

Walking Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death is tentatively scheduled for release in May! More details will follow as the release date is more solidified as we got closer to the projects completion!

Purchase this book for your resource to help grieving friends and family get through one of life's most catastrophic losses-losing a loved one to death. Or purchase it to work through your own grief issues. You can also give it as a gift to a grieving friend, or for a friend or family member to better understand your grief issues.

When available for pre-sale, I will announce where to purchase your copy!

Scheduled Release for Book

2009-01-21T15:09:00.000-08:00

Walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death is scheduled for release later in 2009. While the editing has been completed, my publisher, AEG Publishing, is working on final marketing and public relations while finishing cover design.

As this project has moved from musing to writing to publishing, I am excited to move towards marketing and sales. And, more importantly, I am excited to see what impact the book has in the lives of the bereaved and those who most closely have walked with them.

More will be added later about sales information as the actual date of release is set.